Looking Back

I sat here contemplating the last week and as I look back I realize that a lot of the week is fuzzy.

I know that I sat through the visitation for my grandfather for 4 hours on Tuesday night.

I know that I went to the funeral and burial on Thursday.

I can remember the day, the emotions and the scenes.

But, at the time I look back and feel like I was in a daze. When the funeral director told me and my cousins (all 35-40 of us, including spouses and children) to walk up together and pay our last respect it was hard. Here we all were. We have spent countless hours laughing, joking around, and being kids and now we're all grown up saying goodbye to our grandpa. It was a reality check to see us all mourning such a great man. Then it was our parents turn. Then we followed our parents into the church for the service.

I looked through the service folder and 3 of my favorite hymns were included. While the message and songs were of great comfort, these songs will now hold new meaning. I didnt sing parts of them. I was trying to fight back tears and all my emotions.

Then we followed the casket out and walked to the cemetary. The pastor said some words and a prayer and I just stood there. We all got a rose from his casket. It was so hard to see my grandmother so upset. She sat in front of his final resting place and it was rough.

Throughout the day, I kept telling myself that that it is just his body. He is in heaven. He is walking, he no longer has to take his blood sugar 3x a day, he is laughing, he is with his baby boy that only lived 9 months. He is no longer in pain.

I'm now back spending time with my grandma and am happy with how well she is doing. I know that this is a very difficult time for her, but I think she knows what we all know. He didnt deserve to go through all the pain and suffering he did. He was a good man.

Theres only one thing left to do now. Believe. Believe in the truth that God sent his son to save us. Believe that one day I will be reunited with my grandpa in a place where there is no more sadness and no more tears. Believe that God is in control and it is up to me to surrender my plans to his.

Amen.